Although we are in the thick of the most ruinous and damaging economic recession since the great depression, with unemployment topping 10%, and the stock market taking a swan dive, we once again witness the successful debut of the chart-bottoming reality show brought to you by everyone's favorite "former" billionaire. As the episode began, daddy Trump welcomed back his loyal Sunday night audience by commiserating the tough economic times through a lame attempt at humility as he passed on a stretch limo chariot and chose to hoof it in his $10k Armani suit. But nothing can hide the fact that Mark Burnett Productions has also felt economic hardships; I couldn't help but notice that both The Celebrity Apprentice and Undercover Boss were using identical New York City montages in the opening credits. Even so, I presume we can cut them a break this season because Donald Trump promises a great cast, and with his mouth pursed and finger pointed, he declares, "I'm going to fire the asses off of each one of them."


Casting this season's Celebrity Apprentice must have been a chore. I mean, finding the perfect fusion of over-inflated egos and ordinary intelligence is deserving of at least one elaborate night in Trump Towers (including a candle-light dinner with Ivanka if I had my choice!). The only missing piece of the puzzle to this year's cast is Snookie from Jersey Shore.

The Roster is:

Mets and Yankees star Darryl Strawberry, ex-Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, Sinbad, old pop star Cyndi Lauper, Sharon Osbourne (America’s Got Talent), Bret Michaels (Rock of Love), actress Holly Robinson Peete, funny lady Carol Leifer, wrestlers Bill Goldberg and Maria Kanellis, Australian celebrity chef Curtis Stone, and Olympic gold-medal swimmer Summer Sanders. The group of 14 contestants is closed with the inclusion of Selita Ebanks and Michael Johnson.

The first week's task is to pilot a burger joint and surprise, surprise, it's Men vs. Women. After the teams are divided, they dive into a dazed, half-witted team-naming brainstorm session that spanned almost as deep as an episode of Teletubbies.  The men's side unwittingly birthed a creative genius, Rock Solid, courtesy of Brett Michaels. (Side note, Brett Michaels' apparel line is name Rock Solid, his TV show on VH1 is named Rock of Love, and his Apprentice team is now also Rock Solid ... it's a prime example of how Brett spews canny wisdom typically found in someone well beyond his years of marketing experience.) The women, led by Cyndi Lauper, decide on Tenacity which makes me think of a blend between Jack Black's Tenacious D and Kevin Malone's Scrantonicity. But I digress.

The task proceeds and Rock Solid creates posters to market their $100 cheeseburger made using the finest graphics found on Windows 97 accompanied by a glit-edged full suite of fonts and starbursts per Microsoft Works. The women were off to a better start; however, once Cyndi Lauper decided to go Acapella, I was begging for someone to call TPain and turn on the autotune!

Both teams finished the first task relatively unscathed and the boardroom was upon us. This is when the true personalities came out. No matter what you ask him, Blagojevich conveniently "does not recall" the facts of whether the food was cold or whether he was involved with the delivery of the hamburger or whether he was paid for such actions and what amount was paid to him. Every response from this guy screams sleaze bag.

The first task goes to the men by almost $20k:
Women scored 39k
Men scored 57k

The women, faced with elimination, are hesitant to point fingers since they have not yet established their nauseatingly petty cliches and BFFs. They eventually mutter to the Trump family, poised on the opposing side of the table, that Carol Leifer was the chosen whipping boy and subsequently wound up getting fired. This is a decision I expect will hurt Tenacity down the line as it doesn't seem like anyone other than my dark horse pick, Summer Sanders, can formulate a single intelligible written thought. The game is on and we're throwing punches as we dissect the Celebrity Apprentice each week. Next week, my season 6 comrade, Aimee Trottier will lend her thoughts, and she's not holding anything back!

The Celebrity Apprentice airs Sundays, 9 p.m. ET/PT on Global/NBC

Aaron Altscher competed in Season 6 of The Apprentice, the last non-celebrity version to air. Outside of television, Aaron owns and operates Altscher Consulting, a branding, marketing and sales firm. Aaron is a professor of entrepreneurship at Howard Community College and a volunteer business coach. In his spare time, he enjoys playing guitar and coaching baseball. An avid fitness enthusiast, he also participates in triathlons. Read more about Aaron and follow his happenings at www.aaronaltscher.com.

 


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