Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everyone! My favourite holiday of the year – which I’ve nicknamed “The Anti-Valentine’s Day,” involves painting your face green and wearing T-shirts with funny statements like “I Shamrock Irish Boys,” and features lots of good old-fashioned green beer – has arrived.
As such, I figured it’s appropriate to honour Reality TV Party Animals — those who spend all night hitting up the clubs, pounding back alcohol and naturally making poor judgments and bad decisions.
It’s a breed I’ve studied closely over the years, and I’ve come to the conclusion that their partying ways can be classified into four categories. Take my quiz to help you determine what type of partier you are.
1. It’s time to get dolled up, primped and looking good for your big night out. What outfit do you pull from the closet?
a) Never forget the No. 1 secret of looking fresh to death: GTL (Gym, Tan, Laundry)
b) The skimpier the better, and let’s never forget the six-inch leopard-print platform heels. You are a wild one.
c) That very new, expensive piece from the biggest up-and-coming New York designer. No one needs to know you got it from a sample sale.
d) You usually throw on something comfy, matching the hat with the sneakers and a fresh printed T-shirt
2. Now that you’re looking fab, you need your favourite drink to loosen things up before heading out the door. What’s your poison?
a) Throw in a bunch of berries, some watermelon, some vodka and big scoop of protein powder. Gotta get your protein in.
b) Jager always goes down smooth —a few shots will help lighten the mood.
c) Grey Goose on the rocks and perhaps a glass of champagne to toast to our fabulousness.
d) Anything you can get your hands on will be fine as long as it’s in a big red plastic cup.
3. All right gang, let’s move it on out. It’s time to hit the streets and pick the hot spot where roof-raising and heel-kicking will commence. Where do you frequent?
a) First we need to take a ride by two of the biggest, baddest clubs to see which one has more cuties waiting in line.
b) Maybe the bar your new fling’s ex will be at, just to stir up a little trouble. Ruffling feathers is what you do best.
c) That crazy-busy club that Justin Timberlake and Usher were at last weekend. You know the promoter and a VIP booth will be waiting.
d) A house party with all your closest buddies will suit you just fine.
4. You are feeling good and looking great. Now, thanks to a little liquid courage, it’s time to meet a potential new love interest. What’s your type of hookup?
a) Zoo creatures and grenades need not apply. Tanned, fit, juice heads please come to the front of the line to engage in a sloppy make out.
b) When your new boyfriend/girlfriend has their back turned, you can lay a smooch on that cute bartender who’s been winking at you all night.
c) Hookups? Not without a fancy dinner and a second date locked in. Maybe then you’ll let them hold your hand.
d) Everyone loves a little groupie love – just be sure to ID them at the door, and ensure your buddies don’t grab them first.
5. You never leave home without your cellphone, your wallet and your closest friends. Who do you roll with in your entourage?
a) Everyone needs a few really good wingmen before heading to the bar. Make sure they know the code words and hand signals when approaching a group of hotties.
b) You only associate yourself with those who look just as good as you, but never, ever any better. They know who is HBIC.
c) You love to hang with your bestest pals. Small groups are totally your cup of tea.
d) You never leave home without your closest buddies and you’ll fight to keep them around even if they always get you into a little trouble.
6. It’s time to boogie-oogie-oogie till you just can’t boogie no more. What would your friends say your signature dance move is?
a) You love the beats and your creepy patent moves just clear the dance floor. Fist-pumping it like champions.
b) Usually the basic hip sways and booty pops, but they must be done on top of a table, speaker or stage. A stripper pole is always a plus.
c) Dancing is great and all, but you spend most of your time sipping in bottle service, chatting up your friends.
d) The dance floor is a wicked place to show off your latest breaker moves. If there is a circle of people you will be in the middle of it.
7. It’s last call, everyone – time to move it on out. What state are you in when you’re ready to leave the spot?
a) You never leave the bar until the lights go on, and when you do it’s with two honeys, one on each arm.
b) You’re wasted. Usually you are carried out by the bouncers way before last call since you passed out on that guy’s shoulder.
c) Leaving early is a must considering you need to be home at a decent hour to get some much-needed beauty sleep.
d) When the cops pull up to the house because of too many neighbourhood noise complaints, it’s time to call it quits.
8. The next morning comes and, man, you got yourself a killer headache. What do you do to work off that hangover?
a) Sleeping in till the late afternoon usually does the trick, along with some good home-cooked eats, maybe some pickles.
b) What even happened last night? How did you get home, where did your cell phone go and why is it so bright in here?
c) A brisk walk up to the coffee shop to meet for some eggs Benedict and iced coffee can cure even the most terrible of hangovers.
d) Pop some Advil, drown yourself in Gatorade and if that doesn’t work you can just start the party up again. Hair of the dog that bites you is a sure thing.
9. Partying during the week when you have to work in the morning is never a good idea, but when St. Patrick’s Day is on a Wednesday, what are you supposed to do? How do you plan on getting out of work?
a) Just don’t show up. After a couple hours of being MIA, make sure you put some face time in with a pretend cough to pair with a good story about being sick.
b) If you miss tomorrow’s modelling gig, it’s no sweat off your back. Just make sure you don’t miss the really big spread for Playboy.
c) You never miss work. Your very scary and borderline psychotic boss will hang you out to dry.
d) It’s your life so you do what you want, but when your manager gives you a hard time make sure to add in as many eyerolls as possible.
10. St. Patty’s Day is coming up and you can’t wait to drink some green beer and do a little Irish jig. What are your plans for the night?
a) You will be partying hard, decked out in green attire and “Kiss Me I’m Irish” tattoos. That’s the message you’re hoping to get out.
b) The fighting Irish have got nothing on you. Causing a little trouble at the local watering hole is what St. Patty’s Day is all about.
c) St. Patty’s? Green really doesn’t go with this outfit – I’ll have to sit this one out.
d) Lots of beer pong and flip cup will truly make the green shamrock gods proud.
SCORING
Mostly A’s: Party Animal Extraordinaire Type
Jersey Shore Crew (Jersey Shore)
You are known around these parts as the smooth, juiced-up and tanned Casanova, lining them up and knocking them down each and every day. Nothing will stop you from beating up the beat and no one can top you in a dance floor battle.
Mostly B’s: Drama-rama Type
Jayde (The Hills)
When I see you at the bar, I turn around and walk the other way. You are trouble with a capital T and your screaming tantrums and button-pushing makes for great entertainment. When I’m not involved.
Mostly C’s: Classy Sophisticated Conservative Type
Whitney (The City)
Your No. 1 concern is to keep yourself looking cute at all times. Let’s not get too crazy, and be sure you cut yourself off after a few cocktails since reputation around here means everything.
Mostly D’s: The College Frat Party Type
Ryan Sheckler (The Life of Ryan)
Who needs to go to the bar when you are always surrounded by your closest buddies and live in your own pimped-out mega-mansion? House parties are what you do best and even though your house gets a little trashed, you are always the host with the most.
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Janine has been a devoted cheesy TV critic ever since her inaugural Paradise Hotel episode. Five years, long hours and a considerable lack of beauty sleep later, her passion has earned her a Rolodex of useless knowledge.
Tackling shows other professionals cringe over such as Flavor of Love, The Real World and Celebrity Fit Club, Guilty Pleasures’ subtle complexity deserves more than just a snap judgment. Janine’s unique talent to celebrate a worthy “trash-show” is a launch pad for fans of cheesy TV everywhere. |
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