I’m not proud of it, but it’s true: My name is Melissa, and I’m an America’s Next Top Model addict. Go ahead — judge me. Make assumptions about my intellect. Compare my shallowness to the kiddie end of the community pool. I don’t care.

Come next Wednesday I’ll be slouched on the couch with a tub of ice cream, sizing up the new batch of beyotches setting stiletto to catwalk. And why not? It’s a Tyra Banks circus, and it’s the fiercest show on Earth, baby.

Granted, I didn’t always feel this way. I, too, once raised my nose at ANTM. I thought Tyra was too loud, too over-the-top, and all flavours of crazy. If I tuned in, I wondered, would people think I was crazy by association?

But once I learned to stop worrying and love the buxom bombshell, I found a new guilty pleasure. So in honour of Cycle 15, here are 10 things I’ve learned from watching Top Model — and no, one isn’t how to balance that tub of ice cream in one hand and a cup of self-loathing in the other.

1. Blinking while speaking very seriously means drama. At each elimination panel, Tyra bats her eyelashes enough to fan a small child. I tried this on Hubby while asking him to take out the garbage. He offered me a Claritin and called it a day.

2. Tyra’s mere presence can trigger euphoria. Have you seen the contestants when Tyra makes her first appearance? They hop like frogs, scream like banshees and faint like southern belles after an off-colour joke.

3. Giant bow ties appease the fashion gods. Large neckwear was Miss J’s way of honouring each eliminated contestant in one cycle. The gimmick was second only to the runway diva’s billowing shoulder poufs in another one.

4. Into each life, a bad weave must fall. Whether it’s hair that looks like an angry octopus, a shaved head, or a weave so tight the scalp bleeds, each cycle’s makeover episode brings at least one model to tears. Push through it, young grasshopper. Beauty is pain, and Tyra is a gleeful sadist.

5. Words in the dictionary are mere suggestions. Of late, Tyra has fancied herself in league with Merriam-Webster and coined the word “smize.” As in her rule for modelling, smile with your eyes. Next, I bet she’ll nickname contestants à la Flavor Flav, making grammarians everywhere shed a tear.

6. Crazy is a national export. Tyra has made models frolic with dirty sheep in New Zealand, pose in Amsterdam’s Red Light district, and do martial arts while suspended from wires in Shanghai. Seriously.

7. Arrive in style. Lady T made her Cycle 12 debut in Las Vegas being carried by gold-clad slave boys and a trumpet fanfare. So much for subtlety.

8. Just don’t arrive late. It’s go-see rule No. 1 — be back on time. Many a contestant has been chastised for returning late. Tyra’s stern face and furious blinking are the same, whether you’re tardy five minutes or five hours.

9. Never show less than total devotion to Tyra. In a freak out that will go down in the annals of reality TV awesomeness, Tyra yelled at Tiffany in Cycle 4 because she thought she wasn’t taking the competition seriously. Countless other girls have been booted for similar reasons. Watch the clip below and fear the wrath of Tyra.

 

10. When all else fails, stomp it out. Boss giving you a hard time? Colleague taking credit for your work? Pound the carpet in your cubicle aisles like it’s Fashion Week. It might not fix the problem, but at least you’ll terrify the lady who waters the plants.

America’s Next Top Model unleashes Cycle 15 on Wednesday, Sept. 8, at 8 p.m. ET on A/The CW.

Are you batty for America’s Next Top Model, too? melissa.hank@bell.net

 

 

A bona fide beauty and fashion geek, Melissa gets a thrill analyzing all things good, bad and oh-so-fugly on television. Although she salivates for vintage stylings and brands like Roberto Cavalli, she’s equally elated to score discount duds at Winners.

Melissa is a firm believer that style should be a mix of fun, individuality and a dash of absurdity. When she’s not watching Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model or What Not to Wear, she can be found trying to whip her tangle of curls into submission. If only the “afro meets bride of Frankenstein” look was appropriate for work.
 



 

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