Dude, work is SO overrated.
Why would you run around like Ryan Seacrest, plugging American Idol or American Band or "American Hootenanny" or whatever his latest project is, when you could just chillax and let the fame and fortune come to you?
It’s not that an honest day’s work isn’t admirable; I’m just saying sometimes there’s no harm in spreading the effort out over a couple days, maybe. Or better yet, over a couple television episodes.
And I’m not alone in this thinking: there’s a whole crop of small screen slackers who find merit in the “no gain, no pain” philosophy.
In fact, just by watching the television (which, of course, is every slacker’s dream) you can net a bunch of reasons to loaf around like a pro. Here are the nine most compelling arguments gleaned from TV slackers, past and present.
I’d try to come up with 10, but you know, that’s too much work.
1. Slinging insults with immunity. See: Hyde (Danny Masterson) from That ‘70s Show and Will (Will Smith) from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. The trick is wrapping your trash-talk with a grin (no one can be mad if you’re smiling, right?) and wit (satire works well; puns, not so much. Then you’re just annoying.)
2. Honing the skill of eyebrow-raising. What woman doesn’t melt when Jim (John Krasinski) from The Office tosses off a Cocked Eyebrow of Bemusement? It’s a suitable response to dim-witted comments, incoherent ramblings and general ineptitude. Plus, it can mask an uneven waxing job.
3. One word: catchphrases! Bart Simpson from The Simpsons is a master. Ay, caramba! We’d gladly eat his shorts without having a cow or laying a finger on his Butterfinger.
4. Doing good without seeming do-gooder-ish. If My Name is Earl’s titular character (played by Jason Lee) actually had career ambition, most of us would tell him to take his karma and shove it. Imperfections are endearing. At least that’s what I keep telling myself …
5. Growing an obscene amount of facial hair. Earl’s moustache, Hyde’s sideburns, Bert (Tyler Labine) from Reaper’s chin-strap/goatee combo … it’s follicular anarchy! But who has time for grooming when there are sofas practically begging to be loafed on?
6. No one will ever suspect you actually know stuff. The reason Chuck (Zachary Levi), who’s a government operative on Chuck, doesn’t get whacked faster than a plastic mole at a carnival is that terrorists don’t think to look for him at a Buy More store. That, and he just looks dim.
7. Being toasted: it’s not just for bread anymore. Don’t get us wrong – this is NOT an endorsement of narcotics. It’s just … didn’t Hyde and the gang on That ‘70s Show look like they really, really enjoyed being in The Circle?
8. Small achievements make you seem like Einstein. When I found out Hank (Fred Ewanuick) from Corner Gas had been a city accountant, I was dumbfounded. Every time Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie string together a melody on Flight of the Conchords, I want to cry. But that could be because the show just that great…
9. You let people feel like they’re better than you. OK, so that doesn’t really seem like a plus, but why not throw the intellectually inferior classes a bone? You can always muss up your hair, cock an eyebrow and toss off a witty comeback later – and everyone will love you for it.
Who’s your favourite TV slacker? Email melissa@tvguide.ca
